Saturday, June 16, 2007

Jump Directly Off the Shaky Precipice From Point A to Point B

DSGuy: And my mom was like, "She's going to get AIDS." And I was like, "Mom, she's not going to live that much longer that it would kill her, anyway." So now she lives in Florida.

-The Haymarket

Potato, Potato

Older woman: And then she told me that I was too small for my breasts.
Younger man: I think she said, too small for your dress.
Older woman: (pause) Either way, it was totally inappropriate.

-Main St., Northampton

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

News: OHV Wins the Lottery!

Hey, folks!

We just received an email this morning informing us that we have won the Lottery!!

Anyone interested in completing the form below is welcome to do so, and get some cash money!

Congratulations, you guys. I knew we could do it!



---


FROM: MRS. ASIA CHERRY.
International Lotto Office De Padua:
Piazza Emmanuelle 13A,
Padova 45233, ITALY.
romelott13@hotmail.com

Customer Service: 680 NCA 85914
Ref: EAASL/851OYHI/04
Batch: 12/25/DC34
Zonal Draw No: GMLA2-003
Grand Draw No: 12099

Dear Sir/Madam,

WINNING NOTIFICATION

We happily announce to you the draw of 2007 International Lottery programs held on the 1st of June in Rome Italy. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: B9564 75604545 100 with! Serial number 46560 drew the winning:01/10/11/18/19/46, which subsequent! won you the lottery in the 3rd category.

You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of US$820,000.00 (Eight Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollars) in cash credited to file KPC/9080118308/02.This is from a total cash prize of US $1100,000,00 Million dollars, shared amongst the first One Hundred and thirty (130) lucky winners in this category world-wide. Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our Afro booklet representative office in Africa as indicated in your play coupon. In view of this, your US$820,000.00 (Eight Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollars) would be released to you by Reserve Bank South Africa. Our African agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact him.

All participants were selected randomly from World Wide Web site through computer draws system and extracted from over 10,000,00 companies and personal e-mails. This promotion takes place annually. For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information confidential till your claims is processed and your money remitted to you in whatever manner you deem fit to claim your prize. This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some unscrupulous elements. Please be warned. If you¢re not up to 18 years you are automatically disqualify.

To file for your claim, please contact our corresponding agent in Africa immediately you read this message before August 30th 2007 for quick and urgent release of your fund,

PROF ABRAHAM.A.ADAMS
P.M.B 1090 JOHANESSBURG, SOUTH AFRICA
TELE: +27-73-311-43-38
E-mail: profadams@mighty.co.za

Please fill the form below and send it to the claims agent in South Africa immediately.

NAME...............................................
COMPANY NAME: ...........................................
FULL ADDRESS:........................................... SEX:................................. AGE................................... OCCUPATION............................. TEL.......................FAX................. (If any)
COUNTRY................................
E-MAIL..................................

Congratulations once more from all members and staffs of this program that has successfully won this competition.
Thank you for being part of our third category promotional lottery
program.

Your's Sincerely,
MRS. ASIA CHERRY.
Italia Zonal Co-coordinator.
MR. LARRY SMITH,
U.k zonal Secretary

----

Thanks, Mrs. Asia Cherry!

Ball of Confusion Vol. I

Older black man, walking down the street: (to white girl smoking a cigarette on a stoop) Damn smoking's gonna kill you, nigga.

-Main St, Northampton

Ball of Confusion Vol. II

Young white woman: (to other young white woman) Honey, I'm sure the cops were staring at the three of you because you looked stupid in your matching outfits. It wasn't racial profiling by proxy. Cause the last time I checked, you were white. And blonde.

-King St, Northampton

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

The Dancing Monkeys Can't Make It

Girl on cellphone: Can we still dress like pirates? Ooooh! Can we still have a watermelon?

-PVTA
Submitted by: LT

I'm Actually Too Frail for Friendship

Smithie drama major: So I was talking with my friend Natasha* the other day. Okay, she's not my friend, she's an actress...

-Teapot, Northampton

Submitted by: k2

Drunk Tourists are the Best Tourists

Woman: (to husband, ignoring four empty tables) It's too hot in here, there's nowhere to sit, and there isn't any alcohol!

-Bueno's, Northampton
Submitted by: M**

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Well, Maybe Once, Tee Hee

Guy with white hair on cell: Did you fuck him?! (pause) I would not, bitch!

-Farmer's Market, Northampton

What I meant to say was, Is that a mirror in your pocket?

Drunk guy buying a can of Natural Ice: (to young woman carrying small canvas sack) Hey.
Young woman: Hey.
Drunk guy: I like that purse.
Young woman: Thanks.
Drunk guy: D'ya make it?
Young woman: No.
Drunk guy: Well where'd'you get it?
Young woman: It was my mother's.
Drunk guy: (glares her down) Well I bet somebody made it.

-7-11, King Street, Northampton

Saturday, May 05, 2007

You Should Ask for $20K (click this title)

Smithie 1: Their library makes Neilson Library look like a shack!
Smithie 2: Well, Neilson is pretty crappy.
Smithie 1: No-- like the PORN shack!

Too Many Premium Channels

Little boy: Mommy, where do babies come from? Your mouth?

-Smokin' Lil's, Northampton
Submitted by: Nikki

And it's all your fault.

Adorable little girl staring at the ceiling: Mommy, what is that butterfly doing there?
Bitchy mom: It's dead.

-Blue 43
Submitted by: glowien

Into the Blue Again

Asian hipster Smithie: Psh, I always knew. I was never confused.
Jewish hipster Smithie: I don't know, vaginas just don't do it for me. Maybe in another lifetime.

Submitted by: glowien, who apparently listened to this entire conversation

People in the Valley Like Elephants. What Is It With Elephants?

Asian hipster Smithie: People stare at him, and he resents them for staring at him. But I'm like, "Maybe you should bathe!"
Jewish hipster Smithie: You should give him an elephant tranquilizer or something.

-Blue 43
Submitted by: glowien

a) excerpt from the new Zach Braff movie, b) exercise in pop psychology, c) drunken fight drawn from years of self-help and chick lit

Woman: People can change. Don't tell me people can't change.
Man: That's what you don't get! People don't change, they fucking evolve!

-Unnamed bar in Holyoke
Submitted by: Joe

Bodiless-Voice-In-The-Sky Is Much More Plausible

Girl 1: They're a godless, plungerless country.
Girl 2: (shocked) God is not a plunger!

I have 26.50. What will that get me?

Mid-thirties woman: I won't fucking do you dirty till you give me thirty dollar!!!

-Hugo's, Northampton
Submitted by: Angelina

I'm From Out of Town and No One Will Talk To Me

Woman: (to young couple at the next table) Do you go to school around here?
Girl: Yeah, actually, I go to Smith.
Woman: Oh. (turns to the boyfriend) Do you go to Smith, too?

-Unnamed restaurant
Submitted by: Bored Hostess

Thursday, April 19, 2007

They have pills for that.

Prospective student: I can feel the smartitude.

-Airport Lounge, Hampshire College