Overheard in the Valley

Jump Directly Off the Shaky Precipice From Point A to Point B

2007-06-16T16:45:00.000-07:00

DSGuy: And my mom was like, "She's going to get AIDS." And I was like, "Mom, she's not going to live that much longer that it would kill her, anyway." So now she lives in Florida.

-The Haymarket

Potato, Potato

2007-06-16T16:37:00.000-07:00

Older woman: And then she told me that I was too small for my breasts.
Younger man: I think she said, too small for your dress.
Older woman: (pause) Either way, it was totally inappropriate.

-Main St., Northampton

News: OHV Wins the Lottery!

2007-06-12T14:32:00.000-07:00

Hey, folks!

We just received an email this morning informing us that we have won the Lottery!!

Anyone interested in completing the form below is welcome to do so, and get some cash money!

Congratulations, you guys. I knew we could do it!

---

FROM: MRS. ASIA CHERRY.
International Lotto Office De Padua:
Piazza Emmanuelle 13A,
Padova 45233, ITALY.
romelott13@hotmail.com

Customer Service: 680 NCA 85914
Ref: EAASL/851OYHI/04
Batch: 12/25/DC34
Zonal Draw No: GMLA2-003
Grand Draw No: 12099

Dear Sir/Madam,

WINNING NOTIFICATION

We happily announce to you the draw of 2007 International Lottery programs held on the 1st of June in Rome Italy. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: B9564 75604545 100 with! Serial number 46560 drew the winning:01/10/11/18/19/46, which subsequent! won you the lottery in the 3rd category.

You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of US$820,000.00 (Eight Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollars) in cash credited to file KPC/9080118308/02.This is from a total cash prize of US $1100,000,00 Million dollars, shared amongst the first One Hundred and thirty (130) lucky winners in this category world-wide. Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our Afro booklet representative office in Africa as indicated in your play coupon. In view of this, your US$820,000.00 (Eight Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollars) would be released to you by Reserve Bank South Africa. Our African agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact him.

All participants were selected randomly from World Wide Web site through computer draws system and extracted from over 10,000,00 companies and personal e-mails. This promotion takes place annually. For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information confidential till your claims is processed and your money remitted to you in whatever manner you deem fit to claim your prize. This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some unscrupulous elements. Please be warned. If you¢re not up to 18 years you are automatically disqualify.

To file for your claim, please contact our corresponding agent in Africa immediately you read this message before August 30th 2007 for quick and urgent release of your fund,

PROF ABRAHAM.A.ADAMS
P.M.B 1090 JOHANESSBURG, SOUTH AFRICA
TELE: +27-73-311-43-38
E-mail: profadams@mighty.co.za

Please fill the form below and send it to the claims agent in South Africa immediately.

NAME...............................................
COMPANY NAME: ...........................................
FULL ADDRESS:........................................... SEX:................................. AGE................................... OCCUPATION............................. TEL.......................FAX................. (If any)
COUNTRY................................
E-MAIL..................................

Congratulations once more from all members and staffs of this program that has successfully won this competition.
Thank you for being part of our third category promotional lottery
program.

Your's Sincerely,
MRS. ASIA CHERRY.
Italia Zonal Co-coordinator.
MR. LARRY SMITH,
U.k zonal Secretary

----

Thanks, Mrs. Asia Cherry!

Ball of Confusion Vol. I

2007-06-12T10:10:00.001-07:00

Older black man, walking down the street: (to white girl smoking a cigarette on a stoop) Damn smoking's gonna kill you, nigga.

-Main St, Northampton

Ball of Confusion Vol. II

2007-06-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

Young white woman: (to other young white woman) Honey, I'm sure the cops were staring at the three of you because you looked stupid in your matching outfits. It wasn't racial profiling by proxy. Cause the last time I checked, you were white. And blonde.

-King St, Northampton

The Dancing Monkeys Can't Make It

2007-06-05T11:25:00.001-07:00

Girl on cellphone: Can we still dress like pirates? Ooooh! Can we still have a watermelon?

-PVTA
Submitted by: LT

I'm Actually Too Frail for Friendship

2007-06-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

Smithie drama major: So I was talking with my friend Natasha* the other day. Okay, she's not my friend, she's an actress...

-Teapot, Northampton

Submitted by: k2

Drunk Tourists are the Best Tourists

2007-06-05T11:21:00.001-07:00

Woman: (to husband, ignoring four empty tables) It's too hot in here, there's nowhere to sit, and there isn't any alcohol!

-Bueno's, Northampton
Submitted by: M**

Well, Maybe Once, Tee Hee

2007-05-15T18:53:00.000-07:00

Guy with white hair on cell: Did you fuck him?! (pause) I would not, bitch!

-Farmer's Market, Northampton

What I meant to say was, Is that a mirror in your pocket?

2007-05-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

Drunk guy buying a can of Natural Ice: (to young woman carrying small canvas sack) Hey.
Young woman: Hey.
Drunk guy: I like that purse.
Young woman: Thanks.
Drunk guy: D'ya make it?
Young woman: No.
Drunk guy: Well where'd'you get it?
Young woman: It was my mother's.
Drunk guy: (glares her down) Well I bet somebody made it.

-7-11, King Street, Northampton

You Should Ask for $20K (click this title)

2007-05-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

Smithie 1: Their library makes Neilson Library look like a shack!
Smithie 2: Well, Neilson is pretty crappy.
Smithie 1: No-- like the PORN shack!

Too Many Premium Channels

2007-05-05T08:54:00.000-07:00

Little boy: Mommy, where do babies come from? Your mouth?

-Smokin' Lil's, Northampton
Submitted by: Nikki

And it's all your fault.

2007-05-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

Adorable little girl staring at the ceiling: Mommy, what is that butterfly doing there?
Bitchy mom: It's dead.

-Blue 43
Submitted by: glowien

Into the Blue Again

2007-05-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

Asian hipster Smithie: Psh, I always knew. I was never confused.
Jewish hipster Smithie: I don't know, vaginas just don't do it for me. Maybe in another lifetime.

Submitted by: glowien, who apparently listened to this entire conversation

People in the Valley Like Elephants. What Is It With Elephants?

2007-05-05T08:41:00.000-07:00

Asian hipster Smithie: People stare at him, and he resents them for staring at him. But I'm like, "Maybe you should bathe!"
Jewish hipster Smithie: You should give him an elephant tranquilizer or something.

-Blue 43
Submitted by: glowien

a) excerpt from the new Zach Braff movie, b) exercise in pop psychology, c) drunken fight drawn from years of self-help and chick lit

2007-05-05T08:34:00.000-07:00

Woman: People can change. Don't tell me people can't change.
Man: That's what you don't get! People don't change, they fucking evolve!

-Unnamed bar in Holyoke
Submitted by: Joe

Bodiless-Voice-In-The-Sky Is Much More Plausible

2007-05-05T08:31:00.000-07:00

Girl 1: They're a godless, plungerless country.
Girl 2: (shocked) God is not a plunger!

I have 26.50. What will that get me?

2007-05-05T08:28:00.000-07:00

Mid-thirties woman: I won't fucking do you dirty till you give me thirty dollar!!!

-Hugo's, Northampton
Submitted by: Angelina

I'm From Out of Town and No One Will Talk To Me

2007-05-05T08:26:00.000-07:00

Woman: (to young couple at the next table) Do you go to school around here?
Girl: Yeah, actually, I go to Smith.
Woman: Oh. (turns to the boyfriend) Do you go to Smith, too?

-Unnamed restaurant
Submitted by: Bored Hostess

They have pills for that.

2007-04-19T14:51:00.000-07:00

Prospective student: I can feel the smartitude.

-Airport Lounge, Hampshire College

That's Why God Invented WebMd.Com

2007-04-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

Guy: I'm freelancing as a medical writer right now. But I've only ever been to the E.R. So I'm screwed.

-The Haymarket

No More Wire Hangers!

2007-04-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

Mother: I don't know why grandma gave you her ring. Stephanie* is such a better granddaughter.

-Target, Hadley

Aden Learned Early On How to Play Off His Insecurities

2007-04-14T12:41:00.000-07:00

Mother: (to kid meekly swiping at boxing dummy) Oh, Aden -- is that how you punch? You punch like this? (Flails meekly to imitate him). Oh, honestly Aden, you punch worse than a girl!
Aden: But mom, I was pretending to be a girl!

-Dick's Sporting Goods, West Springfield

But Then He Tore Open His Shirt, He Had "Rosie" On His Chest

2007-04-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

Guy, to girl: He had long hair and dirty clothes, and was just kinda dirty lookin', kinda like a pedophile. I mean, definitely not like a guy you could imagine rolling with chicks.

-Gothic Street lot, Northampton

What's That Word for Either Half of the Crushing Organ In an Arthropod's Mouthparts?

2007-04-14T12:36:00.000-07:00

Older man, sitting for some time in silence: (suddenly yells) Mandible!
(continues to sit in silence)

-Starbucks, Northampton
Submitted by: I'm shy

While You're Down There, Love

2007-04-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

Rager, to another rager: Shut your mouth! And your ass, tramp!

-Party, dowtown Northampton
Submitted by: Ashley

Metaphor For... Oh, Everything.

2007-04-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

Middle-aged guy, at table of other guys: (to little boy sitting at table with two little girls) Come on, Oscar. You can sit at the guy table with us. The boy's table. We'll talk about things that Maggie and Emily won't be able to understand. But you can only come over here if you give each of us a bite of your cookie.

-The Haymarket
Submitted by: Me

Broken Stuff

2007-04-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

20something girl walking with 6 other 20somethings: (to 20something guy) Yeah, but I don't want to get a bladder infection!
20something guy: A bladder infection?! I've had three!
20something girl: Yeah, but I can't whip it out like you can!
20something guy: The first one sucked.
20something girl: But I can't whip it out like you can!
20something guy: The second one was gross.
20something girl: But I can't whip it out like you can!
20something guy: And the third one--
20something girl: But I can't whip it out like you can!
20something guy: Let me tell you, the third one was fucking sick man!
20something girl: But I can't whip it out like you can!

-Main Street, Northampton
Submitted by: Me

It's A Mixed Up, Muddled Up, Shook Up World

2007-04-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

Employee: (to customer) Excuse me, my boss wants to know if you're a transvestite.

-Stop & Shop, Northampton

Thanks, Dwayne. I Have to Go Cause I'm Due Back On Planet Earth.

2007-04-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

Girl on phone: You know, sometimes when I'm driving I dream about what it would be like to drive the car into a pole or over a barrier or something. (pause) Oh no no! Not with you in the car. Alone. When I'm ALONE!

Do They Offer a Class On That?

2007-04-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

Girl on cellphone: Wait, how exactly did you manage to pull your ass muscle?

-Outside Neilson Library, Smith College

Clearly, This Guy Has It All Figured Out

2007-04-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

One man at a table of six: Actually, there are Mexicans everywhere.

-unnamed restaurant
Submitted by: One hostess out of many who has nothing to do but listen to customers' conversations

We Think You Got a Lot of Potential, Kit De Luca

2007-04-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

Young posh woman: (leaving shoe store, picks up pair of pumps) Oh, I kind of like these.
Young hipster woman friend: Oh, yes. Those shoes are classy. (pause) Did I just call those shoes classy? Jesus, I sound like a hooker.

-Holyoke Mall

Click This Title for Fun Tricks to Play on This Woman

2007-04-01T14:45:00.000-07:00

Bussiness woman: Oh! I heard the best news ever! (reads from a corporate memo) "There will be a change in the time sheet policy, and it will be a good change. We will not be responsible for employee sickness." I mean, I was jumping out of my chair!
Other Business woman: EEeee(squeels loudly)!!!

She Don't Lie

2007-04-01T14:44:00.000-07:00

Customer: You know I love that you guys have organic sugar, but I wish it was free trade.
Cashier: Yeah I don't eat sugar, it makes me too hyper. But I see your point.
Customer: Oh, I was like that with cocaine, which is maybe why I love sugar so much.
Cashier: Too bad cocaine isn't free trade.

-Trader Joe's, Hadley
Submitted by: Katherine

It's Gross Anatomy Day at Overheard

2007-03-30T08:53:00.001-07:00

Goth guy: I know some guys who won't fuck a girl in the ass because she'll shit on them. (pause) But what do you expect?

What Leonard Cohen, Neil Young, and Madonna Block Out at the Haymarket

2007-03-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

Guy: Have you ever kicked someone in the kidneys so hard that they throw up on you? It's funny, really.

Punk rocker: I was in the paper for being a hero. But I wasn't really. I just shoved some kid's intenstines back inside him and covered it with duct tape and drove him at 145 miles per hour to the hospital.

Guy: Yeah! Smoke those pills!! Smoke those pills!!!

Young guy: I know it's stereotypical for a guy to want a girl who's a freak in bed, but, really, it's just so nice.

-All at the Haymarket

Two Separate Conversations at Stop & Shop

2007-03-30T08:45:00.000-07:00

Chick: After he slept with me, I told him that his dick had been where cameras, carrots, and necklaces have gone before.
Friend: Why were you sticking necklaces in your vagina? (pause) Note how I'm okay with the fact that you stuck carrots and cameras up there.

Woman: Sleeping with him just never feels concentual. It's like being raped by your brother.
Friend: Yeah, it felt like that for me, too.

-Stop & Shop, Northampton

Goblet of Fire?

2007-03-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

Business woman: I hate to say it, but Harry Potter's penis is small.
Hipster girl: What! Nooooo!
Business woman: No, really, it is. He got an erection on stage-- and it was just sad. But the weirdest part is that it was bright red. Like they had put blush on it or something.
Hipster girl: What the fuck!? My dreams are ruined!

-In front of Blockbuster, Hadley

More on Vaginas, from the Dirty Mind

2007-03-30T08:40:00.001-07:00

Girl 1: You'd really want to sleep with him. I think he'd like you.
Girl 2: Yeah, if my vagina wasn't full of sand.
Girl 1: I thought it was razor blades?
Girl 2: And broken glass and dreams.
Girl 1: You know, we could get those out of there with a dream catcher.

-Thirsty Mind, South Hadley

Take a Right at the Orange Left Femoral Artery...

2007-03-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

Girl: I work under the blue nipple. It's my office.

-The Haymarket
Submitted by: Overheard regular

It's Illegal Anyway, Right?

2007-03-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

Guy: Come on! He's only a little retarded.
Chick: I'm not going to sleep with him. Ever!

-Main Street, Northampton

This Is Also a Little Illegal

2007-03-18T08:17:00.001-07:00

Yuppy woman: He's like my dream man. But we're related.

-La Fiorentina's

Well, I'd Rather Be Ugly on the Outside...

2007-03-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

Woman 1: (to table of friends) Well, I'm getting old, too. I'm getting wrinkles.
Woman 2: The thing is, you're so fucking ugly that no one notices when you get old.

-The Haymarket
Submitted by: Me

There's A Clever Idea In There Somewhere

2007-03-12T05:40:00.000-07:00

Man: I'm working with little kids now, you know. I babysit for teachers. At a nursery.
Girl: Oh?
Man: Yeah, I kinda like how the kids are recycled every year. (pause) I don't mean like cut up and made into new babies. But that I get new ones and the old ones move on.

Still More Elephants, Was It In The Air?

2007-03-12T05:37:00.000-07:00

60s guy, who looks like Tom Waits, completely blotto: If you're moving to England you should try to import an elephant.
Sober girl: Um, I don't think customs would let me through with that.
60s guy: Yeah. They'll probably think it's a terrorist.
Drunk chick: Yeah! It can shoot granades out of its nose!!

-Hugo's
Submitted by: I don't know, but these must be remnants of the same conversation.

Then Again

2007-03-12T05:36:00.000-07:00

Guy: And sometimes I pretend to be an elephant and put three kids on my back and lunge around the room with my tusks and trunk and all. But I need props, like a banana or a coconut. Do you think maybe I should shit on the floor?
Girl: I don't think the children would like that.

-Hugo's

Brainstorming Ideas for a New NBC Sitcom?

2007-03-12T05:32:00.002-07:00

Older man: Australia is the only country I'm not allowed into because I'm a convicted fellon.
Younger girl: What did you do? Rape? Murder? Theft?
Man: God, no, I'm not like that. I would never do those things.
Girl: Than what did you do?
Man: Well, I beat up a Holyoke cop. And then I beat up three black guys. They called it a 'hate crime' and, well, Australia doesn't like that.
Girl: Yeeeeah...
Man: So can I have your number?

-Haymarket

Spam IRL

2007-03-12T05:32:00.001-07:00

Girl: I save Soviet Jews. I win valuable prizes!

-Stop & Shop, Hadley/Amherst

Cause There Are Plenty More Where That Came From

2007-03-12T05:30:00.000-07:00

Guy: So did your boyfriend enjoy witnessing his first US drug deal?

-Maplewood shops

A Lesson in Pick-Up Line Response

2007-03-12T05:28:00.000-07:00

Guy: (to two girls) Hey, my friend over here wants to know why you two just grabbed your boobs.
Girl 1: Because they're my lovely lady lumps.

-Hugo's, Northampton

Always Plan Ahead

2007-03-12T05:27:00.000-07:00

20something girl: I can't chug this hot chocolate or I'll have to go poopie outside.

-The Haymarket, Northampton

And So Rumpelstiltskin Signed to DefJam, Never To Be Heard From Again

2007-03-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

Guy: Tell your sister I won't sleep with her if she shaves her pubic hair. That shit is like the golden fleece, yo.

Submitted by: Angie

i c u irl

2007-03-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

Girl: Hey, you're that chick I stalk on MySpace!

-Hugo's

Cassandra Was Momentarily Distracted From Economic Feasibility by Bright, Streaming Colors.

2007-03-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

Old Man: So everyone's getting married, eh? All three of you guys?
Young woman: Yep. (pause) You know, we should have a tripple wedding!
Man: That would save money. On the cake, on the flowers, on the party favors...
Woman: We could all be each other's bridesmaids and share the wedding dress!
Man: Wow. It would be like those models at a fashion show. Quick changes and stuff.
Girl: YES! And we could ride down the aisle on ELEPHANTS!!

-Hugo's, Northampton

Syrup on Toast, Syrup with Mint Sauce, Syrup Stuffing, Syrup Gumbo, Syrup...

2007-03-11T07:05:00.000-07:00

Drunk UMass boy: Naw, seriously you should feel very privileged to go to Amherst. Cause you know us UMass students? We're all idiots.
Drunk UMass girl: Speak for yourself!
Drunk UMass boy: Seriously, where are you from?
Amherst girl: Vermont.
Drunk UMass boy: Oh man! I love Vermont! It's such a-- a pure state. Very green. And they make that stuff, that maple syrup. People put butter and shit on their pancakes but not me... I'm all like nothing but that pure Vermont maple syrup for me.

-PVTA

Submitted by: kjpepper

Cue "We're Not Gonna Take It" Montage

2007-03-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

Man: (to table full of friends) Guys, none of us want them to have sex anymore, but none of us can stop them. (pause) But we can make it difficult.

Some Day, They'll Get It.

2007-03-10T11:14:00.000-08:00

Out-of-towner 1, at a table near the bathroom: (to friends) There's a place called the Tunnel Bar that's really cool. It's like, a tunnel.
a man walks out of the bathroom, and a woman goes in
Out-of-towner 2: So... unisex bathroom?
Out-of-towner 3: I guess so.
Out-of-towner 2: (raises eyebrows) Hm.

-The Haymarket

If We Bring Him Offerings, He Doesn't Come to Family Parties

2007-03-10T11:13:00.000-08:00

Mother, to baby: You wanna go see Junkie? Let's go see Junkie! We'll bring him this jacket.

-Haymarket

The Vagina Dialogues, Soon To Be Banned In a Town Near You

2007-03-10T11:10:00.000-08:00

Girl 1: (to guy, regarding her drink) Try it. It's a Malibu Baybreeze. It's a chick drink, but it's really good.
Guy: (takes sip) Damn, that's delicious.
Girl 2: It's a bitch drink.
Guy: A bitch drink?
Girl 2: It'll make you grow vaginas on your arm.
Guy: That wouldn't be that bad. I'd never leave my house.
Girl 2: No, not functional vaginas. Just ugly ones that people would be freaked out by.
Guy: You know, you just took something wonderful and made it horrible.

-Packard's

I Mean, The People Always Shout

2007-03-10T11:07:00.000-08:00

Girl: So what are your irrational fears?
Guy: Well, I'm afraid of that song. You know, the "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" one. I mean, "that's my name, too"? What does that mean?! I mean, think about it's larger sociological implications. That just freaks me out.

-Packard's

That Swan Ballet Really Annoyed the Hell Out of Me, Too

2007-03-10T11:05:00.000-08:00

Girl: I hate geese.
Guy: Because they're Canadian?
Girl: No, the fat white ones. I hate them because they'r fat. And greedy.
Guy: Yeah, what's up with that? They always run right up to you if you have bread.
Girl: And they totally harass the ducks, man!
Guy: Yeah, what the fuck?! Stupid geese. Fuck that shit, man. Fuck that shit.
Girl: YEAH!

-Packard's, Northampton

Sign Me Up For One of Those

2007-03-10T11:03:00.000-08:00

Girl 1: Yeah, it's really great.
Girl 2: Does it go up the back too or just the ass?

all three girls become aware of my presence

Girl 1: We are talking about a chair.

-Valentine Hall, Amherst College
Submitted by: Yoshi

I Thought Rasputin Pretty Much Ruined It For Everyone

2007-03-09T10:13:00.000-08:00

Girl, to group of friends: I hate all Russians post-1910. I mean, after Malevich the country is worthless.

-Amherst Coffee

Look! You Can Bend 'em!

2007-03-09T10:12:00.000-08:00

Girl, to friend: And that's why men in general are so fascinated by Jewish women, moreso than any other ethnicity. We just come in so many forms.

-Northampton

Move, Girl, Like Your A** On fire

2007-03-09T10:10:00.000-08:00

Girl: Yo, Erin*, if we set you on fire right now could we freebase off your fumes?

-Pleasant Street crosswalk, Amherst
Submitted by: Overheard regular

The Personal Is Political

2007-03-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

Student, to another student: This is what we should say, this is what we should say: What's going on in North Korea right now is really, really important, but, getting laid-- also really important.

-Valentine Dining Hall, Amherst College
Submitted by: Alexander

Wait, I'm Going To Throw Up In My Mouth A Little

2007-03-08T12:31:00.000-08:00

Guy to friend: I stopped seeing her. I just couldn't handle anymore of the bullshit, you know? She once told me that she talked to a psychic about me and when the psychic heard my name she wanted to throw up. And she took that as some sort of sign that we were bad for each other. Because a fucking psychic wants to barf when they hear my name. I don't need that shit, yo.

-Whole Foods, Hadley

Who needs iPod Shuffle when you can skip from Helter Skelter to Toni Basil on the streets of Northampton

2007-03-07T05:57:00.000-08:00

Homeless guy: Yeah, well I'd murder Sharon Tate. Way to go, girls! Great job!

-Outside CVS, Northampton
Submitted by: Dart

You Can't Be Too Flirty, Mamma

2007-03-07T05:54:00.000-08:00

Smithie on cell: And I was like, 'Are you ready to do this?' And she was like, 'Yeah!' So we kept all our clothes on...

-Smith College campus
Submitted by: Curious to hear the rest of that conversation

Abandon All Hope

2007-03-04T06:07:00.001-08:00

Chick: I had a dream last night that I was walking up a staircase meant only for rich people. And then my cell phone exploded.

...Cause I've Got Barbie Dreamhouse In The Car

2007-03-04T06:04:00.000-08:00

Girl: So I had a dream last night that I had a baby. Except it was a fetus-baby. But it was alive. And I was like, "Wow. Having a baby isn't so bad."
Friend: Did you dress it up?

-The Haymarket
Submitted by: A

Absolute Power Corrupts Bunny Fish

2007-03-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

Girl: It's like all this social power is falling into my lap right now because I'm pretty. I'm trying to figure out how to work ethically around it. (wiggles butt) Aww, belly scratches. (jumps up and down) Bunny fish! (pause) Ugh, I don't know. I'm trying to be all philanthropic about it.

Submitted by: In desperate need of charity

I Mean, My Intestines Love Me

2007-03-03T10:27:00.000-08:00

Guy: I've been on an all-bacon diet for the past two weeks. Now I'm thinking I need some oat bran.

Submitted by: Overheard regular

Was That Before Or After...

2007-03-03T10:25:00.000-08:00

Guy: I tried dealing drugs once, but people got too paranoid around me. They got all "eeeee! eeee!" when I was around. I mean, I tried to do it casually. But man, ugh. There's a sociological study going on about it right now, actually.

You Break It, You Buy It

2007-03-02T15:19:00.000-08:00

Guy: There's random sex out there, why do I have to pay someone for it?

-Amherst

It Worked In Office Space

2007-03-02T15:18:00.000-08:00

Guy: I need to learn to take time off from productivity without being hungover.

-Northampton

This Will Do So Much Better Than The Family Stone

2007-03-02T15:13:00.000-08:00

First girl: So did you meet your boyfriend's parents?
Trannie girl: Yeah. I met his dad at a seance. He's dead. And I met his mom once. She thinks I'm a home-wrecking slutbag. It's because she was very loose when she was young. I remind her of her, you know.
First girl: That's an improvement.

Everybody Thinks They're a Dot Com

2007-03-02T15:11:00.000-08:00

Old guy 1: She'd walk into a room and EVERY guy would stare at her. She was like... a 15.
Old guy 2: Wow.
Old guy 1: But she didn't throw it in your face.
Old guy 2: Yeah. A lot of women think they're hot. But they're not.

-Sunrise Pastry, Easthampton
Submitted by: Greg

I Don't Know Why She Swallowed A...

2007-03-02T15:06:00.000-08:00

Fourteen-year-old kid at bus stop: (to other fourteen-year-old) And in the car they had a shotgun.

-Maple Street, Holyoke

That's The Power of an Eighth Grade Education

2007-03-02T15:04:00.000-08:00

Sixteen year-old girl: (hears the first notes of "The Power of Love") OH, MOM -- it's HUEY!

-Yankee Candle

I Thought She Said, Elephantiasis

2007-03-02T14:59:00.000-08:00

Girl 1: My bronchitis is clearing up.
Girl 2: Your friend Titus is clearing up?
Girl 3: She said her bronchitis is clearing up.
Girl 2: Oh, cause I was gonna get excited that you had a friend named Titus. (pause) I want a friend named TItus.
Girl 3: Yeah, me, too.

-The Haymarket

The Inverted Placebo Effect

2007-02-25T11:33:00.000-08:00

Smithie 1: The cocktail of drugs I'm on is fantastic! I love it.
Smithie 2: Yeah... I'm really depressed I'm not on anything.

Submitted by: E2m2

Actually More of a Vibrate Gal, Myself.

2007-02-25T11:26:00.000-08:00

Girl: (walking toward woman) Hey, did anyone ever tell you you look like a ringtone?

...Hey, You're Not Rappaport

2007-02-18T07:46:00.000-08:00

Young man: (holds door for older man) Hello, Mr Harrison*. Good to see you-- you're looking very fit.
Mr Harrison: (outraged, with British accent) Fit?! I've never been fit in my life!!

-Bank of America, Amherst
Submitted by: Toby

We Need To Talk About Your TPS Report. Yeah. Did You Get That Memo?

2007-02-18T07:42:00.000-08:00

Man ordering lunch: I'll have the coconut rice.
Barista: Do you want a small or a large?
Man: (pause) Wait, what's the difference?

-The Haymarket
Submitted by: Regular

Don't Let The Man Get You Down

2007-02-18T07:37:00.000-08:00

Customer guy: Hey, do you have any bigger bowls than this? Anything bigger to smoke out of?
Guy behind counter: No, they made us get rid of all our big stuff.
Customer: Aw, that's too bad. So now you don't have anything?
Guy behind counter: Well, all we have now are these necklaces.
Guy: Those are bowls. . .
Guy behind counter: But see the string on them?
Guy: Oh. . .
Guy behind counter: Necklaces.

-The Hempest, Northampton
Submitted by: Kara

It's Still Alright With Me

2007-02-18T07:35:00.000-08:00

Scruffy looking man: (in high-pitched, lispy voice) Jesus, your scarf is like... Jesus LOVE.

Submitted by: But it's purple!

I Wonder What Sort of Thing They Talk About at Amherst?

2007-02-18T07:33:00.000-08:00

Student: I never talked about vaginas nearly this much until I came to Smith.

-Northampton
Submitted by: Meghann

I'm Gonna Make Her An Offer She Can't Refuse

2007-02-18T07:31:00.000-08:00

Woman 1: I work in the psych ward over at Cooley Dickinson.
Woman 2: Yeah?
Woman 1: Yeah. So if you ever lose it, I'll take care of you.

-Northampton

Submitted by: Bless my Ears

You Have To Buy The Friendly Kit Separately

2007-02-16T14:14:00.000-08:00

Hobo 1: (nodding at attractive woman sitting in window): Well, I see Little Miss Dress-Up is here today.
Hobo 2: Yep.
Hobo 1: You know, she always looks nice. But I've found that her personality is really quite cold.

-Woodstar Cafe, outside
Submitted by: Greg

Don't Let It Happen Again: Honorary Overheard

2007-02-16T14:10:00.000-08:00

Snow and ice storm, downtown Northampton, as observed through a window.

A snow plow goes by.
Then a man in a banana suit.

Submitted by: Someone who doesn't eavesdrop.

Or A Cat In Heat

2007-02-16T14:06:00.000-08:00

Girl: I love you. You're just so sexually charged.
Girl 2: Yeah. Like a fuckin' battery. ZzzzAP!

-Dirty Truth

Check Thy Tongue

2007-02-16T14:00:00.000-08:00

Hipster guy to goth girl: I can't wait till nine-year-olds are having abortions on the news.
Nearby Smithy: Wait, haven't nine-year-olds already had abortions? I'm going to check the Guinness Book of World Records when I get home.

-Northampton Center for the Arts

The Lost Chapter of the Little Red Book

2007-02-16T13:56:00.000-08:00

Guy: What are you doing to the playbill?
Girl: I'm drawing over an advertisment for a piano company. They have a baby playing a piano. It's my baby now.
Guy: Your baby looks like Mao Zedong.
Girl: I plan on giving birth to Mao one day.

-Northampton Center for the Arts

You Make The Rockin World Go Round

2007-02-16T13:54:00.000-08:00

Raver girl to emo guy: Hey, you. Is my ass covered?

-Northampton
Submitted by: A

Fidelity Degredation

2007-02-13T07:21:00.000-08:00

Girl 1: So yeah, Melvin* has been really out of touch lately. I never hear from him anymore.
Girl 2: Oh, don't worry. He just got a new girlfriend. In two months, when he starts cheating on her, he'll be all about hanging out with his friends again.
Girl 1: Oh, good!

-Northampton
Submitted by: Angelina

22. PDA Should Be Avoided At All Costs

2007-02-13T07:16:00.000-08:00

Student 1: Jess*, come here. I need your help.
Student 2: I am NOT touching your cooter again.

-Northampton
Submitted by: Annamarie

Just Allow a Fraction of Your Life to Wander Free

2007-02-10T16:17:00.000-08:00

Amherst student (to Smith student): Woah, don't go down on me!

-Northampton

Ever Since He Was Little, Ever Since He Was Little He Was Out Of Touch

2007-02-10T16:15:00.000-08:00

Girl on phone: That is crazy. ...Totally crazy. ...Oh my god, that's just crazy. Crazy! ...Totally crazy! ...He did what with a tuba?

-Northampton